


invisible machinery

by merrin



Series: Prompt Memes [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Skin Hunger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25051528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrin/pseuds/merrin
Summary: I just want to see you smile again.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Series: Prompt Memes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814428
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	invisible machinery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [swaps55](https://archiveofourown.org/users/swaps55/gifts).



> This story began its life as a [first line meme](https://urrone.tumblr.com/post/622494292548747264/coffeencontemplation).

_Invisible machinery  
These moving parts inside of me  
Well they've been shutting down for quite some time  
Leaving only rust behind_

"I just want to see you smile again,” Kaidan says. 

Shepard turns into the wind off the bay and gives this half-smile, this quirk of his lips that he’s been doing ever since Chakwas okayed his release from the hospital. Kaidan wants to put his hands on Shepard’s cheeks, stretch them out to see if his real smile is hiding somewhere or completely broken. But Shepard still holds himself so carefully apart, like there’s a forcefield around him that Kaidan can’t break through. 

“Not that one,” Kaidan says. “A real one. You know, I can’t actually remember the last time I saw a real one.” 

Maybe at that dinner on the Presidium, when they both confessed feelings they’d hidden or repressed, it doesn’t really matter which. Maybe that morning after the party in Anderson’s apartment on the Citadel, standing in the kitchen while James made his juevos rancheros. 

But that just makes Kaidan think of Anderson and all the reasons Shepard’s smile has abandoned his face. Almost like he can read the train Kaidan’s thoughts have taken, Shepard drops even the half-smile and turns back, facing forward again.

They keep walking along the shore like they’ve done almost every afternoon for the past two weeks. After months in a medically induced coma in the hospital, he’d graduated to bed rest at the Alenko homestead, where he’d steadfastly refused to actually stay in bed. Kaidan kept finding him wandering like a ghost around the halls, so he’d finally given Shepard some clothes that fit so he could wander around outside. 

When Shepard had said he wanted to walk on sand, Kaidan packed him up and brought him to Vancouver and his parents' condo looking out over the bay. 

The walks are good for Shepard’s healing body, and Shepard’s company is good for Kaidan. He hopes he’s good for Shepard. 

Shepard had chosen the beach for walks because of the difficulty rating for a recovering patient, but the precarious footing makes him stumble today. Kaidan puts his hand under Shepard’s elbow until he steadies again. But the black hole surrounding Shepard pulls him in again, and Kaidan drops his hand. 

Other than these steadying touches, Kaidan doesn’t even think he’s gotten his hands on Shepard since that last night before they’d raided the Illusive Man’s base, before he found out the truth about what Cerberus had done. He’s little better than the nurses at the hospital now, just guiding hands and steadying arms and galaxies away from how Kaidan longs to touch him. 

He’s almost relieved when Shepard drops onto the bench at the end of the beach. He sits down too, close but not too close. 

The winds whips off the water, carrying the scent of salt and the sound of Kaidan’s sigh. Shepard used to be easy. The learning curve was steep but once he’d marked him, Shepard had been so easy to be around, to talk to, to understand. But nothing about this was anymore. 

That very thought breaks Kaidan’s heart in ways even finding Shepard working for Cerberus hadn’t. He wonders, in the end, if he’d lost more than just a few months (and those two years) with Shepard. 

How do they start over, when Kaidan isn’t even sure that they’ve ended? 

“Look,” he says. “We need to talk.” He very carefully keeps his eyes on the water and not on Shepard. 

“Yeah,” Shepard says. “We do.”

He sounds resigned in a way that makes Kaidan’s heart skip several beats. “I understand if you need time. I know none of this has been easy for you.” 

Kaidan stops and tries to figure out why he is suddenly and incandescently angry. “No. Forget that. It hasn’t been easy for any of us. We lost people. We’ve lost so much since we began this fight. I spent two years thinking you were dead. I’ve spent the last few months wondering if you were going to wake up.” 

“I don’t need you to remind me of this, Kaidan.” 

“You need to hear this,” Kaidan says, and finally looks over at Shepard. Shepard whose careful veneer of stoic patient had finally dropped so Kaidan could read the black hole around him for what it was. The rest of Kaidan’s sentence derails somewhere between his brain and his mouth. He takes in Shepard’s clenched hands and slight tremble in his shoulders and realizes Shepard wants Kaidan to touch him. Wants Kaidan to touch him so badly that he can’t even articulate it. And the idea that he’s left Shepard wanting this for weeks is a thought he can’t possibly bear. 

Shepard’s looking back at him now and Kaidan knows he’s an open book, that Shepard knows he gets it now. “I don’t need time,” Shepard says. “I need you.” 

And Kaidan finally, finally puts his hands on Shepard for the sheer simple joy of feeling John’s stubble beneath his hands. “You have me,” Kaidan tells him. John’s fingers dig into his shoulders and side and Kaidan is only slightly more gentle in wrapping his arms around John, pulling him close enough to erase the black space between them.

Kaidan kisses him. Kaidan kisses his mouth and his face and his neck, feeling that skin hungry wolf just beneath the surface finally submit. Kaidan kisses him until he feels John relax against him, and he holds them both up. Kaidan kisses him until he feels John’s mouth curve in a smile, and then Kaidan pulls back just to see it. 

_Down my arms_  
_A thousand satellites_  
_Suddenly discover signs of life_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to swaps55 FOR ALL THE CAPS LOCK.
> 
> Quoted lyrics from "Touch" by Sleeping at Last


End file.
